Fake Horoscopes
Posted by Max Pilote on March 4, 2007
These are horoscopes that I wrote for my school newspaper.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
associated with purity and service
+ intelligent, dilligent, analytical, self-sufficient, controlled, orderly, modest
- fussiness, perfectionism, harsh criticism, coldness, hypochondria
Things may be looking bad for you now, but strap yourself in because they’re going to get worse. So your dog got run over and your grandmother died? Well, those are just bumps in the road compared to what’s coming up next.
Beware of the sign Taurus this time around because their hedonistic, lazy nature might just make your fussy, perfectionist head explode.
Lucky Numbers: 13 and 6.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
associated with material pleasure
+ calm, practical, reliable, loyal, affectionate, sensuous, ambitious, determined
- hedonism, laziness, inflexibility, jealousy, antipathy
Everyone is lying to you. While they might be acting nice and wearing those tidy litte smiles, you know the truth. You know that they’re all talking behind your back. That’s okay, though. You’re better than they are. You bleed awesome.
Lucky numbers: 86 and 43.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
associated with hard work and business affairs
+ ambitious, patient, responsible, stable, trustworthy, shrewd, and persistent
- coldness, conservatism, rigidity, materialism, dullness
You know why your love life has been lacking lately. You’re boring, and more change comes out of a vending machine than out of you. This horrible luck you’ve been having with the opposite sex will continue because you’re hopeless.
Lucky numbers: 98 and 124.
